BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts
I’m a disciple of Bill Eddy, LCSW, JD., having read all he’s written that applies to family lawyers and divorce practice. He is the author or co-author of 21 books. My favorite are:
- So, What’s Your Proposal: Shifting People From Blaming to Problem-Solving in 30 Seconds!
-
It’s All Your Fault at Work!: Managing Narcissists and Other High-Conflict People
-
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Paperback – July 1, 2021 (link is to the 2011 edition)
Then there is his 2021 book: Calming Upset People with EAR – August 2021. (Empathy, Attention, and Respect).
And into this mix we have Bill Eddy’s 2020 book: “BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts.”
BIFF stands for keeping communications:
- Brief
- Informative
- Friendly
- Firm.
The goal is to avoid what he calls “blame-speak.” Other guidance the book provides is to avoid with high-conflict people:
- Admonishments
- Advice (speak for yourself and stay in your lane, avoiding even friendly advice)
- Apologies (high-conflict people tend to play the “gotcha” because of confirmation bias, while emotionally mature people will not).
Learn not only how to engage in BIFF communications. Also, when coaching another person for BIFF communications, ask additional questions:
- How do you think the other person will respond?
- Try to walk in the other person’s shoes
- This is the empathy part of Bill’s upcoming book
- Is there anything you would:
- Take out
- Add
- Change?
- Would you like to hear my thoughts about it is a great response?
- If the answer is no:
- STOP.
- If the answer is no:
Often just reading a response out loud helps. Listen for the communication’s internal tone. Stay in a place of learning and not knowing with certainty.
The final chapter: “You Decide” provides great advice outside of co-parent communications. The headings are:
- Managing our own danger signals;
- Turning off Blamespeak in our lives.
I have advised family lawyers to read Bill Eddy’s books starting with his BIFF for Lawyers book 2024. I provide the same advice to clients. Read the BIFF for for Clients book in any case where there is the potential for a parenting time or parental-decision-making dispute! Or read this book simply to improve your communications with a high-conflict person with whom you need to communicate.
Bill Eddy’s newest book helps lawyers teach their clients how to communicate with high-conflict clients, etc. He uses the acronym EAR. This means that with a high-conflict family system give: Empathy, Attention, and Respect–while being boundary aware.
Bill Eddy further provides guidance to parents attempting to co-parent more effectively, urging four guideposts.
- Flexible thinking;
- Managed emotions;
- Moderate behaviors;
- Check yourself.
Keep in mind that the mandatory parenting classes in use in Illinois are quite basic in nature.
He provides:
https://www.conflictplaybook.com/offers/Cf6Sijaa/checkout
This program is a 12-hour program that should be considered as an option to supplement the court-mandated parenting class.
See also:
https://www.onlineparentingprograms.com/online-classes/parenting-without-conflict-class.html
The 12 and 16-hour program agenda covers:
- Unit 1 – Coping with Stress (Managed Emotions)
- Unit 2 – Solving Co-Parenting Problems (Flexible Thinking)
- Unit 3 – Avoiding Over-Reacting (All or Nothing Thinking)
- Unit 4 – Influencing Your Type of Co-Parent
- Unit 5 – Extreme Behaviors and the Effect on Your Child’s Brain
- Unit 6 – Raising Healthy Children
- Unit 7 – Child Development Goals
- Unit 8 – Parenting Schedules
- Unit 9 – Using Professionals
- Unit 10 – New Partners and New Families
- Unit 11 – Handling Financial Issues as Co-Parents
- Unit 12 – How to Avoid Becoming a “High-Conflict” Case
