All divorces have on common element: a spouse on the other side. Starting a divorce can change the dynamics between you and your spouse, sometimes in a good way other times in a negative way. Here we provide tips for dealing with your spouse and children during a divorce.
How should I let my husband know about the divorce. I’ve heard that I need to have my husband served with summons?
In domestic violence cases or cases where there may be competing venues or jurisdictions, your lawyer will advise you to serve your spouse with the divorce papers. But in most cases I advise clients that the more respectful way of getting a divorce is not to blindside him or her with a divorce filing. Instead, you can simply inform your husband of the fact that you’ve filed for divorce. Then you can ask him to let you know the of his lawyer. Or you can ask him to file his own appearance while he makes this decision.
What should I tell our children about the divorce?
Tread carefully in your discussions about discussing any details of the divorce litigation. Remember that sharing too much information backfires. And avoid fault-finding and blaming in discussions with your children. Divorce is an adult problem. Don’t make it your children’s problem. So, take care not to do things that might alienate the children from the other parent. This can stem from what you tell your children or even what they sense about your feelings.
How should we tell the children about a divorce?
Ideally, the divorcing couple sits down and has the discussion together. Review available resources that helps you with how to have this discussion. For example, see:
- Psychology Today: How to Tell Your Children You’re Getting a Separation or Divorce.
- Today’s Parent: How to tell kids about divorce: An age-by-age guide.
- Survive Divorce: https://www.survivedivorce.com/what-to-tell-children-divorce.
If you’ve gone to a marital counselor, you can often ask the former marital counselor for advice. Better yet, get your own counselor.
Isn’t it important for me to get as many of our friends on my side as possible?
No. On the other hand, maintain a group of friends and a support system through your divorce.
How should I act toward my spouse?
If you want a good divorce, I provide the advice to stay in your lane and avoid “blame-speak.” And avoid any series of “you” statements that results in an escalation of hostilities. This makes the divorce painful and more expensive.
I’ve heard about boundaries. Explain how getting better with setting my boundaries can help with my divorce?
See here for a great article on setting boundaries in relationships. The graphic toward the bottom of the article does an excellent job of describing healthy boundaries. The tips provided include:
- Don’t respond to anger in kind.
- Don’t tolerate disrespect or abuse.
- Set and share consequences of disrespectful behavior.
- Firmly and respectfully reinforce consequences when required.
- Never apologize for setting boundaries.
My spouse says he will be fair in the settlement. How shall I handle this?
You may listen to him, but don’t necessarily believe this. Sometimes, “fair” might means: “If you accept my terms, we can have a nice and easy divorce.” In that case, you will sell yourself short if you accept his terms.
What should I do when my spouse attempts to provoke an argument or physical confrontation?
Walk away. Studies indicate that it often takes 20 minutes to calm down after a spouse becomes emotionally flooded. You may think you are calm a few minutes after a blow-up. But spoiler alert–you’re not… In some cases, a spouse might try to provoke you, so she (or he) has grounds for an order of protection under the Illinois Domestic Violence Act.
Why does my spouse say bad things about my lawyer?
Usually, a spouse trash talks the other lawyer because he or she feels a loss of control during the divorce process and blames it on the lawyer. Good lawyers rarely bad-mouth the other lawyer. Yes, some lawyers are better than others. But good lawyers rarely put down the other lawyer. Remember that the lawyer’s advice as retold to the other spouse often gets lost in translation.
My spouse and I have worked out an agreement. He wrote it down and asked me to sign. Shall I sign it?
No. Consult with your lawyer. We can provide examples including two appellate court decisions in 2021 that provide a warning of kitchen-table “agreements.”
How can I avoid confrontations with my spouse?
Use your lawyer as a buffer. Tell your spouse you’ll take up the concern with your lawyer and get back to him or her through counsel promptly. Also, in cases where you will need to work out a parenting plan, start with Bill Eddy’s book: A Guide to Difficult Co-parent Texts, Emails and Media Posts. His approach boils down to learning how to engage in BIFF responses. So he recommends that you review your texts and the like to make sure that they are Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF).
