Reconciliation is fancy word the divorce lawyers use for a couple choosing to do the often difficult work to try to make their marriage work. The Gitlin Law Firm support reconciliations where appropriate. Just like deciding to get divorced, a divorce lawyer cannot advise you whether reconciliation is appropriate for you. But a lawyer can advise of pros and cons given your unique situation.
Once a party hires a lawyer is it too late to reconcile?
No. But it takes a willingness by each spouse to do the work required to reconcile. When one spouse adamantly wants a divorce, little can be done to prevent that since Illinois is a pure no-fault state.
While a lawyer can’t bring about a reconciliation, a lawyer can recommend good marital counselors.
Do you advise the party who wants to preserve the marriage that a trial separation may help bring the couple together?
Not usually. Couples resolve marital problems through face-to-face communications and with marital counseling. Separations limit face-to-face communications. Some marriage counselors and therapists may recommend a trial separation. One website defined this as:
A trial separation agreement is often a flexible, informal agreement between a husband and wife who have hopes of repairing their marriage and rebuilding their relationship. It’s a stepping back period and a time to figure out if repair of their marriage is even possible.
Statistics show that trial separations rarely work. An often quoted statistic is that 80% to 87% of trial separations result in divorce. My experience has been that a spouse who wants a divorce will bring up the issue of a “trial separation” as a stepping stone. The spouse who wants a trial separation may fear being honest while trying to break in the news of a divorce gradually.
Once divorce proceedings have started is it too late for counseling?
No. If your spouse agrees to counseling, start with counseling for yourself. The individual counselor will work with you regarding things you can do—on your own—that might help to ultimately reconcile your marriage. (Yet again, this is only if your spouse is willing to do the work). Because divorce is one of the most stressful times in a person’s life, even if a divorce must take place, you will be able to go through the divorce process with less emotional pain if you are in counseling. The Gitlin Law Firm recommends counseling to all of divorcing clients.
Can’t we just work on reconciliation on our own?
You could, but we still recommend starting with marital counseling. The inability to communicate drives many marital problems. Counseling helps facilitate communications. Couples invest in many items during their marriage. Investing in marital counseling can reap rewards—in situations where both spouses have an interest in make the marriage work.
If we decide to try to reconcile, do I need to dismiss the divorce proceedings?
No. Not right away. It depends on the status of your case, how long your case has been pending, and whether your country has a “reconciliation calendar.” So while you can put the divorce proceedings on hold, you can’t put them on hold indefinitely. A good rule of thumb: the judge will want to dispose of the case, one way or another, within about six months.
Do you have any warnings to provide?
Yes. Be careful about reconciliation in two instances:
- Different Venues or Different Jurisdictions. We have seen that there are cases where one spouse induces the other spouse to try reconciliation in order to file in a more favorable venue (where there are two potentially proper venues where the couple could divorce);
- Divorce Planning. Some spouses try to buy time once they know the marriage may be broken in order to engage in divorce planning. See the Gitlin Law Firm’s Q&A regarding proper and improper divorce planning.
What else can you advise?
Stay away from “chasing behaviors.” They’re not attractive. I liked this quote in the article that I linked to:
In the long-term; chasing someone will destroy your self-worth. Why? Because you are acting as if you are undeserving of them already from the time you are chasing them for attention. Whether you feel worthy or not right now; you need to ACT like someone who deserves a person to love you and commit to you in an unaided fashion. Anything else will result in them relating to you as though you are somehow less important than they are or as someone who can will settle for less than they deserve.
Anything else?
I provide some tips for marital counseling.
- Speak for yourself and how you feel. Your feelings when properly expressed shouldn’t be wrong. And when your spouse can’t process or listen to you express your feelings, consider this a red-flag moment.
- Both spouses need to work on deep listening, sometimes called active listening skills. One way of putting this is God gave us two ears and one month in that order.
- Consider your boundaries and work separately on your own on your self-esteem.
- Avoid “you” statements. Too many “you” statements are like poking someone in a chest. You don’t do this to someone you are trying to have a relationship with except when done deliberately.
- Consider whether your relationship has co-dependency issues. If so, do your reading such as the Bible: Co-Dependent No More.
- Work on non-defensive communication skills.
- When things get heated, never engage in violence or name calling. Never. Understand when one person gets emotionally flooded. Be able then to take a break. Studies say it takes at least 20 minutes for one to come down from being emotionally flooded. So, while one shouldn’t avoid difficult topics, don’t feel like you need to work through anything after name calling, etc. The proper response: simply walk away and try again later.
We are attempting to reconcile. Other than counseling, are there other good resources?
Besides counseling, good resources include Marriage on the Mend: Healing Your Relationship After Crisis, Separation, or Divorce Paperback – 2015.
Another seminal book is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.
